so here's my promised post and this time, I wont stop till I finish it.

DISCLAIMER : All "you" used in this blogpost has nothing to do with nicolette,
so stop asking me.

TJs was an experience I probably wont be able to forget for quite some time.
I guess at the end of the day, it wasn't the results that matter. So I'll cut to the chase,
we lost NJ(ip) and PLMGS by a slight margin and won FMSS.

What matters most to me is the process leading up to the competition itself.
This is the 2nd time I captained a team, 1st time I failed to break in any comp.
Overall, I guess I have failed as a captain to hold my team together.

Prep went horribly lousy this whole week.
It started off with Monday, with me arriving late for prep.
Went over a few points and thought we were on the right track.
you came in and told us it was a hung case, and we were to try out another sub.
I realised, yet did not.
I wanted, yet did not.
Yes, and the fault goes to me.
I was just tired, & somehow everything seems to make sense to me.

It wasn't nice. I don wish to dwell into the details.
But few things I rmb from this whole experience
you said "i've seen debaters crumble on the floor b4, your ability to speak depends
on whether you have anything to bring onto the floor because you are not a natural 3rd
speaker. you're going down that path, if you do not change," "if we do not see anything in you, if we do not see potential you, we wouldn't even be bothered."
you said "a failure just prepares you better for the next debate," "just need to wise up abit"

I guess this time, even if I've succeeded as a captain, I've failed as a debater.
I expected alot from myself. I thought I could lead the team to some sort of victory.
Thought I could multi-task and still survive, but I didnt.
I accepted it with alot of hope, Im still being hopeful even after all these.
Burning midnight oil just doesnt help I guess, its about priority and being ontask.

mistake after mistake, till in the end
it was a scolding like never before,
we fully deserved it, I fully deserve it
it came as kinda of a wake up call
for the team, for me.

Then I rmb the day itself, we started full of hope
whatever happened the day b4 etc.
I was very proud listening to everyone speak, especially Ryan Kwan
you made feel as if my efforts paid off, I rmb my first competetive speech too xD

the result proved otherwise, we lost by half a point.

it was shocking, but not unexpected.
I rmb telling myself we will win the next, we will!
& the draw was PLMGS
which was another weakness of me, you were right
I care too much about the teams Im facing, so much so it affects me
But whether you believed me or not, it didnt affect me this time
I faced it positively, knowing we'd do what we do best...debate
somehow it was my team who were freaking out
even the other side was too
there really isnt anything to be scared about them at all, M (;
see... I was right xD
on paper, we lost
in my heart, we've won
to be defeated by such a small margin, is a victory to me too.

Only thing is, my team though otherwise
It was literally heartbreaking to see the faces when they realised we wouldnt break
I was very.....very upset too
no doubt, I know it myself
Cant lie to anyone
but I never knew it would take so much out of my team
-the rest of what I feel cannot be disclosed here-

even though we won the 3rd round, it was no cause for celebration
so I shant talk much about it, just that at least it brought some joy to our day
(the debate, not the result)
only thing I'd take away from this is, how to manage a distressed team
guess it'd still had been a gd debate for us, had the opposition been different.

so we ended the day with 1 win two losses, it might not have been a victory
but it was a great experience with this bunch of guys xD

To my team : Ryan Ryan Jarret Micheal

im sry, for not leading the team well enough.
you guys supported me all the way
stayed late nights with me
im grateful to have a team like you ppl

so I guess the question now is....what now?
I rmb how I went home on thurs night unable to control myself
disappointment coming down on me
that was one horrible night to go through
one of my worst so far
it wasn't the hectic-ness nor the busy-ness
it was the disappointment, like no other
I dunno why I was so affected by your words/actions
but I was

BUTBUTBUT
now that everythings over, and this crazy week has ended
its time to look forward to other things
thats one thing bad about being in Raffles
time doesnt stop for you, wait and you'll be left behind
so im not letting this failed attempt stop me
theres more to come, time to pick myself up
pick up the pieces and move on
but keeping this always at the back of my mind

THANKS Michelle and Aidan!
Where should I even start, I just dunno where
but just know that both of you made a great change in my life
& im very sure its for the better
haha I rmb different quotes and funny things we all(debaters) do tgt
memories that'll last a lifetime

THANKS FOR STAYING AND HELPING US ALL THE WAY

tmr : cross country reflection, if I can

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m.c.h.i.a.| 8:30 PM |